Long Distance Relationship

*sigh*

Mahirap magmahal nang sadya kung ang iyong minamahal ay iloang milyong kilometro mula sayo.

Sabi ko nga sa sarili ko, Shaie easy ka lang... remember if you wont trust him, things wont work out.

But what if he gave you the reason not to trust him in the first place? what if your trust is clouted with doubt which ultimately serves to be pretty ironic in itself. Eh di nagkagulogulo na. Paano pa hindi lalala kung nahihirapan kayo to keep in contact with each other, no time, no chance or quite frankly no effort?

I have never been this patient in my life, in terms of being in a relationship that is. I have never been so intent on putting so much effort into making sure I let him know that I'm just here. Oh dear.

I wrote him a long letter last night telling him how I was feeling these past few days, poured my heart out thinkng that I was just being honest. Nothing more, nothing less. Then asked my sister to read it... "Alas! sister you have become cynical, you have become your own monster. You have become the bane of your existence... "

To which I replied, "why so? I am just merely expressing my rants about the situation, didn't you notice that I tried to balance it out with a little bit of blush?"

"well, you have but that ultimately has been overshadowed by the weight of your indulgence in misery and self pity."

To which again, I replied. "Oh shit! Fuckin L!!! how do you retract this thing? shit! shit! shit!"

Namroblema ako, letche! malay ko bang hindi mo na pwede bawiin yung email na pinadala mo? susmaryosep! So now, I have been contemplating as to whether this relationship is healthy for me? Hindi ko muna siya iisipin, sarili ko muna. At puro siya na lang. I ask myself now, am I really up for this?

I wrote him a letter about these questions and will post them soon.

I ask myself every now and then, am I really happy or am I just convincing myself that I am? Do I say that he is the one to satisfy the longing or is this immediate gratification of a cynical paradigm.

more of this after I finish my responsibilities as a job hunter...

xox